I figured The Five-Star Weekend would be a fun, easy watch. Instead, I went to bed overthinking every friendship I’ve ever had – the one I outgrew, the ones that got complicated, the ones I let go of, and the one that caught me completely off guard. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s back up.

 

Yesterday morning, my daughter and grandson officially moved out. By dinner I had a bottle of wine open and I was sitting on the couch in my very quiet home, having a little pity party for myself (not that I need a reason to enjoy some wine, but it didn’t hurt). My mom, my 19-year-old son, and my husband were all on the couch too, everyone doom scrolling on their phones, nobody really watching TV, until I clicked on the ad for The Five-Star Weekend. It looked decent so I hit play.

 

The opening scene was Christmas music and cookie baking and every single phone in the room got put down. This house takes Christmas very seriously, even if it is July. Fifteen minutes in, we were all locked in, and we stayed locked in for all eight episodes. That never happens. Well, everyone except my husband, who tapped out early because some of us have to be responsible adults and it clearly wasn’t going to be me. A little after midnight, the show ended and I was left with thoughts that kept me up.

 

Anyway, let’s talk about the five stars real quick, because you need to know why this got me thinking and borderline wrecked my sleep that night.

 

Jennifer Garner plays Hollis, a chef/food blogger/influencer whose husband dies in the opening scene (not a spoiler, it’s in the trailer) and who is very much not okay. Her manager suggests she take a “Five-Star Weekend” at her Nantucket house, a trip with one friend from every era of her life (because apparently rich people do that when they are falling apart). Chloe Sevigny plays Tatum, the childhood best friend, and her very first scene told me everything. She’s the version of us who loved too hard, got burned, and built a wall out of sarcasm and mild rudeness with just enough heart peeking through the cracks. She’s a mess, but she’s a functioning mess. Like most moms I know, she keeps going because she has no other option. Regina Hall plays Dru-Ann, the college best friend who is very successful and walks into every scene likes she owns it. You can’t help loving her and all of her boldness. She’s a mess inside too, but she carries it very well. Gemma Chan plays Gigi, the new friend and total wild card. She’s clearly hiding something heavy while still making you root for her. At least I did. At one point, her friend tells her something along the lines of you’re a good person who did a bad thing and I felt that DEEPLY. Aren’t we all capable of making bad choices and regretting them? Some bad things don’t make you a bad person, but are still bad and I actually felt strongly for Gigi. And then there’s D’Arcy Carden as Brooke. The mom-years best friend. I saved her for last on purpose. Not everyone is going to get her, but I got her immediately and she was probably my favorite character. She quirky with a huge heart and pretty much comes off as awkward from the very beginning. Kind of how I see myself.

 

Watching the four of them together, you see friendship in every form – the distance, the awkward silences, the resentment nobody says out loud, the blow ups when it all becomes too much, the busy lives, the kids, the hurt feelings that just get swept under the rug. It made me take a hard look at my own friendships, or honestly, the lack of them.

 

For a long time, I told myself that I just wasn’t meant to have close friends. When I was younger, it felt easier. Maybe because I didn’t care that I was always the one putting in the effort. I gave too much, tried too hard, and eventually that stopped feeling like love and started feeling like exhaustion. So, I quietly stopped. I stopped reaching out. I stopped planning get togethers or evenings out. I stopped trying, and I told myself it was because I wasn’t meant to have best friends, when really, I think I just got tired of being the only one showing up.

 

Here’s the thing, this show made me consider (gosh, this is tough) that maybe it wasn’t that they didn’t want me or my friendship. Maybe they were just as busy trying to keep their own heads above water. I don’t know what to do with that thought, honestly. I don’t know that I have the capacity right now to rekindle old friendships or even start new ones. I’m tired. But there’s still this small stubborn ache in my chest that wants friends. Real ones. And right behind that ache is the fear – what if I try again and I’m still too much, too awkward, too hard to love? I know I’ve gotten harder to understand as I’ve gotten older. I barely understand myself. Actually, scratch that, I don’t understand myself. So yes, I am 100% part of the problem in my own friendships, but I’ve also decided I’m not the ONLY problem, and both of those things can be true at the same time.

 

There’s a reel that’s been floating around Instagram about how many pallbearers you’d have at your funeral. You know the one where you see one person dragging a casket? I swear it’s been living rent-free in my head since I watched this show because if I’m being honest with myself, and whoever is reading this, I’m not sure I’d have four stars to invite on a weekend getaway, let alone six to eight pallbearers. And what’s worse is I don’t know that I’d make anyone else’s list either. I want to be part of someone’s five stars and I want to have four stars to complete my five stars, but wanting that and actually doing something about it are two different things. Putting myself out there again means opening the door to the exact same kind of hurt that made me stop trying in the first place. I don’t love feeling vulnerable. I really don’t love being disappointed. So, there’s no five-star weekend happening in my life right now and I’m not sure what to do about that.

 

What I loved most about the show is that these women showed up for Hollis even with their own messes very much present and needing their attention and somewhere along the way, each of those women became friends, not just Hollis’s friend. These women from different walks of life came together and ultimately let each other be however chaotic and complicated they actually were and formed an actual friendship, and I think that was the whole point. It won’t ever be perfect, but what is? Maybe it’s about giving each other grace to show up chaotic and complicated or not at all. I don’t know that I’m there yet, but I could see how there’s beauty in that.

 

Now, back to Brooke, because I need a minute here. On the surface, she’s the friend who talks too much, tries too hard, and needs everyone to like her. She’s easy to write off as insecure or even exhausting. Underneath, she’s fighting battles that most would never understand. I know the overthinking every word, the replaying the conversation over in your head, and the wondering if you’re too much kind of tired. There’s a scene of her trying on outfit after outfit, spinning in the mirror, talking to herself, second guessing everything, and I swear someone snuck a camera into my bedroom. What I love about Brokke is that by the end, she’s still not “fixed.” Nothing gets wrapped up with a bow for her, but she’s trying. She starts dressing the way she wants instead of the way she thinks she should. She starts moving through the world like she belongs in it with a body that she spent years being at war with. She stops performing for everyone else’s approval and starts chasing her own (and her new friends are there for it and support it fully). I think you probably know where I’m going with this. I think that’s exactly where I am. Not fixed. Not figured out. Just working on becoming someone I actually like – in a much quieter home than I had yesterday morning, with a lot more time on my hands to think about it than I probably want.

 

*As a side note, if you haven’t watched The Five-Star Weekend on Peacock yet, this is your warning that unless you have Peacock Premium Plus, you will painfully endure a lot of ads. There were times that we got less than two minutes of the show before another ad came on. It wasn’t enough to stop any of us from watching, but it was super annoying.